| First, there was Vin Diesel. | | | | hollandaise sauce can kill a man from sheer ecstacy |
| (Yeah, I know. First there was Bill Brasky. Don't | | | | at forty paces. |
| interrupt me; I'm building up to something here.) | | | | #16. Alton Brown can eat just one Lay's potato chip. If |
| Then, there was Chuck Norris, Mr. T, and Jack Bauer. | | | | he ever bothered to eat food he didn't make himself, |
| And now, another modern cult hero goes under the | | | | that is. |
| microscope. Ladies and gentlemen, for the first -- and | | | | #17. Alton Brown once got carried away slicing carrots, |
| very likely last -- time anywhere, I'm proud to present: | | | | and julienned his cutting board. Undaunted, he sauteed |
| Thirty Facts About... Alton Brown | | | | the splinters in olive oil and spices -- and they were |
| #1. Alton Brown grinds his own peppercorns. With his | | | | delicious. |
| teeth. | | | | #18. Every Burger King Alton Brown has walked into |
| #2. Alton Brown's chili cheese fries are healthier than | | | | has immediately closed forever -- try as they might, |
| raw carrots. Even after he adds the bacon and lard. | | | | they simply can't 'do it his way'. |
| #3. Alton Brown brushes his teeth with wasabi and | | | | #19. Alton Brown can pair a wine with any food -- |
| gargles with pickle brine. But still his breath smells like | | | | including hot dogs, ice cream, raw eggs, Alpo, sawdust, |
| lemon merengue. | | | | and soylent green. It's people! |
| #4. Alton Brown can boil a three-minute egg in | | | | #20. Alton Brown's cakes don't rise. They ascend. |
| thirty-seven seconds. | | | | #21. Some meats are so tender, they seem to melt in |
| #5. When Alton Brown was born, he collected the | | | | your mouth. Alton Brown's meats are so tender, he's |
| hospital slop they'd left for his mother and made it into | | | | had entire turkeys vanish into thin air. |
| an zesty, appetizing goulash. The dish fed the entire | | | | #22. Alton Brown's no saint. But if his chicken Kiev |
| maternity ward for a week. | | | | cures one more kid's leprosy, the church will reconsider |
| #6. In the first, as-yet-unaired episode of Iron Chef | | | | the evidence. |
| America, Alton Brown single-handedly defeated an | | | | #23. Alton Brown doesn't whip potatoes. Alton |
| all-star team of Bobby Flay, Cat Cora, and Hiroyuki | | | | Brown's potatoes whip themselves, if they know |
| Sakai. The secret ingredient was 'whimsy'. | | | | what's good for them. |
| #7. Alton Brown doesn't reduce sauces. He | | | | #24. Alton Brown's other car is the Wienermobile. |
| demoralizes sauces. | | | | #25. Alton Brown's show is called 'Good Eats', |
| #8. Alton Brown prepares his fugu blindfolded, with one | | | | because 'Multiple Shuddering Mouthgasms' didn't play |
| chopstick and a plastic spork. Alton Brown ain't afraid | | | | with the network's target demographic. |
| of no chump neurotoxin. | | | | #26. Alton Brown's freezer operates at |
| #9. Alton Brown's blender has four speeds: 'stir', 'mix', | | | | minus-twenty-seven degrees. Kelvin. |
| 'frappe', and 'plasmify'. | | | | #27. Alton Brown once prepared shrimp gumbo for a |
| #10. Alton Brown can split a pineapple in half using only | | | | cooking competition, using only salt, water, canned |
| his pinkies. For coconuts, though, he has to use his | | | | Spam, and a packet of Arby's 'Horsey Sauce'. He |
| thumbs. | | | | took second place. He would have won, but one of |
| #11. Alton Brown knows where capers come from. | | | | the judges was allergic to shellfish. |
| And he grows his own, on a Chia pet in the pantry. | | | | #28. Alton Brown can fit three hundred and forty-two |
| #12. On Rachel Ray's show, she shows people where | | | | cookies on a standard-sized baking sheet. Without any |
| to eat for less than forty dollars a day. When Alton | | | | touching. |
| Brown eats, people pay him. | | | | #29. When Alton Brown slices onions, the onions cry. |
| #13. Alton Brown slices ham so thin, it can only be | | | | #30. Alton Brown was once asked to participate in a |
| seen using an electron microscope. | | | | blind orange juice taste test. He was the only person |
| #14. Some knives can slice through a tin can and still | | | | able to successfully identify the brand, style, vintage, |
| cut a tomato. Alton Brown's knives can slice through a | | | | temperature, pH level, distance to the orchard, age of |
| Pontiac, and still cut a tin can. | | | | the grove trees, and the names of the workers picking |
| #15. Grown men have been known to weep for joy in | | | | the fruit. Including the one who needs to start washing |
| the mere presence of Alton Brown's vinagrette. His | | | | after bathroom breaks. |